569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you’re ugly too.

School is a place were you go to eat your lunch.

I say ‘no’ to drugs. Whenever someone asks me for some of my drugs I say, ’no.

My wife she’s fat. Why, if she lost a few pounds, she’d be perfectly round.

And my girlfriend, she’s FAT! How fat? She’s so fat she wears two watches-one for each time zone!

Me and my dad used to play tag, he’d drive!

People ask if I can get it up in the morning. I tell them are you kidding I’m envious of a stiff wind.

I don’t know kid, there are so many places they could hide.

Everyone says that looks don’t matter, age doesn’t matter, money doesn’t matter. But i never met a girl yet who has fallen in love with an old ugly man who’s broke.