569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I told my wife ‘hey honey come on, let’s make love like the old days.’ She asked me for 50 bucks.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he know he can’t.

I’m a bad lover. Once I caught a peeping tom booing me.

If every man was as true to his country as he was to his wife, we’d be in a lot of trouble.

I met the surgeon general – he offered me a cigarette.

My mother used to rock me – and she used big rocks.

You know you’re ugly when you go to the proctologist and he sticks his finger in your mouth.

There’s only one thing wrong with my wife’s face – it shows.

I knew a girl so ugly that she was known as a two-bagger. That’s when you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks.