569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

When I was a kid I got no respect. I told my mother, I’m gonna run away from home. She said, On your mark...

My daughters been picked up so many times she’s starting to grow handles.

With my dog I don’t get no respect. He keeps barking at the front door. He don’t want to go out. He wants me to leave.

I tell ya, I know the best way to get girls. I hang out at women’s prisons, and wait for parolees.

I’m taking Viagra and drinking prune juice – I don’t know if I’m coming or going.

I’m at an age where I think more about food than I do about sex. Last week I put a mirror over my dining room table.

One day as I came home early, I saw a man jogging naked. I said to the guy, ‘Hey, buddy, why are you doing that?’ He said, ‘Because you came home early.’

Dad told me to stop running in circles, I couldn’t, so he nailed down my other foot!

I used to date a girl from Buffalo. Why can’t I meet a girl with normal parents?