569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I figured out I’m bisexual. I have sex twice a year.

I’ve learned to control everything. I don’t get angry at anything. Somebody can do me wrong. That’s life. What good is it to get angry?

It’s nice to be the best, but not when being the best brings out the worst in you.

It’s great to have gray hair. Ask anyone who’s bald.

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous – everyone hasn’t met me yet.

I mean, I’m not a kid anymore. I could go tomorrow. And I hope I go tomorrow. I haven’t gone today yet.

Comedy is in my blood. Too bad it’s not in my act.

They say love thy neighbor as thy self, what am I supposed to do jerk him off too?

Sure I smoked pot in hospital. My wife won’t let me toke at home.