569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Last time I tried to make love to my wife nothing happened, so I said to her, ‘What’s the matter, you can’t think of anybody either?’

I asked my wife if she enjoys a cigarette after sex and she said “No, one drag is enough”.

My wife’s so dumb, she got a nail in the spare!!

One night I came home. I figured, let my wife come on. I’ll play it cool. Let her make the first move. She went to Florida.

My wife a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There is a pair of shoes on the dashboard. They belong to the last guy she hit.

Well with girls I don’t get no respect. I had a blind date. I waited two hours on the corner. A girl walked by. I said Are you Louise? She said, Are you Rodney? I said, Yeah. She said, I’m not Louise.

People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils – Texaco, Mobil, Exxon .

When I was a kid I got no respect. I played hide-and-seek. They wouldn’t even look for me.

I told my doctor, “I’ve swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills” and he told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.