569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.

My son’s an idiot. His teacher asked him to spell Mississippi. He asked which one? The river or the state?

My ex-wife is a water sign and I’m an earth sign. Together we made mud.

If things go right, I’ll be there about a week, and if things don’t go right, I’ll be there about an hour and a half!

My wife has to be the worst cook. I don’t believe meatloaf should glow in the dark.

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

My wife can’t cook at all. She made chocolate mousse. An antler got stuck in my throat.

My uncle’s dying wish – he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

At Christmas time I sat on Santa’s lap. His fly was open ! Boy what a present he gave me !