569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I come home from work early one day, and I see a guy jogging down the street in his underwear. I ask him, “Why are you jogging in your underwear?” He says, “You came home from work early”.

I asked my old man if I could go ice-skating on the lake. He told me, “Wait til it gets warmer.”

You don’t know who to believe. Like Abraham Lincoln. He said all men were created equal. He never went to a nude beach.

I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

Hey everybody, we’re all gonna get laid!

I got my first break and became a singing waiter at eighteen or nineteen. I couldn’t make a living at it. I quit. Then I got married and sold aluminum siding. My wife had problems physically. It was not good.

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

With my doctor, I don’t get no respect. I told him I want a vasectomy. He said with a face like mine, I don’t need one.

We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.