569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

Life’s a short trip. You’ll find out.

Guy goes into a bar with a duck under his arm. Bartender says, “Where’d you get the pig?” Guy says, “This is a duck.” Bartender says, “I was talking to the duck.”

I don’t get no respect. I called Suicide Prevention. They tried to talk me into it.

I asked my wife, ‘Is there somebody else?’ She said, ‘There MUST be.’

It’s tough to stay married. My wife says no because she’s tired then stays up and reads her book.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek – she bent over!

My son’s an idiot. He sprained his ankle playing golf. He fell off the ballwasher.

I tell ya, sex is getting harder all the time. Me and my wife were trying to have sex for hours last night and I finally gave up. I asked her, “what, you can’t think of anybody either?”

I walked in on my wife and the milkman, the first thing she says is “don’t tell the butcher”!