569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

All my wife and I do is fight about sex. The other night, we really had it out. Well, I’ll put it this way – I had it out.

I asked him “Who said you could fool around with my wife” he said everybody.

My parents didn’t like me. For bathtub toys they gave me a blender and a transistor radio.

At Christmas time we couldn’t afford tinsel, so we’d wait till grandpa sneezed.

At certain times I like sex – like after a cigarette.

He who laughs last didn’t get it in the first place.

What a childhood I had – I was ten years old when I found out Alpo was dog food.

My wife has cut our lovemaking down to once a month, but I know two guys she’s cut out entirely.

I’ve been writing jokes since I’m fifteen. Not out of happiness, but to go to a different place, because reality wasn’t good to me.