569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I’ve never been lucky. The day my ship came in, I was at the airport.

With girls, I don’t think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.

I tell ya, I knew my morning wasn’t going right. When I put on my shirt the button fell off, when I picked up my briefcase, the handle fell off, I tell ya, I was afraid to go to the bathroom.

It would be great if people never got angry at someone for doing something they’ve done themselves.

Last Halloween a kid tried to rip my face off. He thought it was a mask. Now it’s different when I open the door the kids hand me candy.

My cousin is gay, I always tell him that in our family tree, he’s in the fruit section.

When my wife drives, there’s always trouble. The other day she took the car. She came home. She told me, There’s water in the carburetor. I asked her, Where’s the car? She said, In a lake.

When I was born the doctor took one look at my face, turned me over and said, “Look, twins!”

I went to look for a used car and found my wife’s dress in the back seat.