569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I haven’t spoken to my wife in years. I didn’t want to interrupt her.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional, the knife had butter on it.

I tell ya, I was an ugly kid. I was so ugly that my dad kept the kid’s picture that came with the wallet he bought.

I once asked a policeman how far it was to the subway. he said, “I don’t know, no one has ever made it”.

I’d like to get some new clothes, but I can’t find a Big and Short store.

I recently had double-bypass surgery. As they wheel you in, the doctor always gives you a last look. You know that look. That look of confidence to make you feel good. I always say to every doctor, If I don’t make it, I’ll never know it.

I’m not a hypochondriac, but my gynaecologist firmly believes I am.

My wife isn’t very bright. The other day she was at the store, and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said, “Did you see the guy that did it?” She said, “No, but I got the license plate.”

With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, “How can I get my kite in the air?” He told me to run off a cliff.