569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

She was old too, when she went to school they didn’t have history.

I said to a girl I’d been seeing, come home with me, honey, and I’ll show you where it’s at. She said, You’d better, because the last time I could’nt find it.

I can’t figure women out. They put on makeup for three hours. They wear things that make them smaller. Things that make them bigger. Then they meet a man and they want truth.

I’m a downer. I’ve been depressed my whole life. Figure it out.

Women my age just don’t turn me on. That’s another problem with getting older. I took out an older woman the other night, and I mean old. I told her, Act your age. She died.

A girl phoned me the other day and said, ‘Come on over. There’s nobody home.’ I went over. Nobody was home.

Oh, when I was a kid, I was poor. Christmas, I got no presents. Well, there was one Christmas, on our front lawn – Prancer and Dancer – they dropped off a little something.

I don’t care how rich and successful a man is. He’s nothing without an education.

You take care and I hope I’ll run into you – when I’m driving.