569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My old man never liked me. He gave me my allowance in traveler’s checks.

I can’t get no respect.

You live with life’s disappointments and learn from them. At seventy-eight, I know it all.

If it wasn’t for pick-pockets I’d have no sex life at all.

One night she told me to put out the garbage. I told her “you cooked it, you take it out”.

You know you’re old when your family talk about you in front of you. What are we going to do with Pop? We have company tonight.

I live in a bad neighborhood. Why, I saw two complete strangers share a taxi – yeah, one guy took the radio and the other guy took the tires.

Never guess your wife’s size. Just buy anything marked petite and hold on to the receipt.

Once I opened up a fortune cookie and inside was the guy’s cheque next to me I said hey buddy I got your cheque he said thanks.