569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I was making love to this girl and she started crying. I said, “Are you going to hate yourself in the morning?” She said, “No, I hate myself now.”

I joined gamblers anon., they gave me 2 to 1 I wouldn’t make it! I joined AA, there was a two drink minimum!

I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.

When you walk up five flights of stairs at four in the morning, there’s definitely a hooker involved.

I am the world’s oldest teenager. I’ve never lost my youthful attitude.

Oh, this your wife, huh? A lovely lady. Hey baby, you must’ve been something before electricity.

Man, who don’t like spaghetti?

I’ll tell you one thing, I know how to satisfy my wife in bed, yeah, I leave.

Marriage... it’s not a word, it’s a sentence.