569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

I asked my wife, ‘On a scale of 1 to 10, how do you rate me as a lover?’ She said, ‘You know I’m no good at fractions.’

When I was a kid we were so poor, if I hadn’t been a boy I wouldn’t have had anything to play with.

I tell ya, my wife’s a lousy cook. After dinner, I don’t brush my teeth. I count them.

I’m at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep they will have someone to talk to.

I have tried a little kinky stuff. A woman called me and said, ‘I have mirrors all over my bedroom. Bring a bottle.’ I brought Windex.

The shape I’m in, I could donate my body to science fiction.

Every time I get in an elevator, the operator says the same thing to me: ‘Basement?’

Once I pulled a job, I was so stupid. I picked a guy’s pocket on an airplane and made a run for it.

I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window I hurt somebody’s fingers.