569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations – we’re doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.

What a doctor I’ve got – he’s really mixed up. Last week, he grabbed my knee and told me to cough. Then hit me in the balls with a hammer.

I’m sitting on top of the world, and I’ve got hemorrhoids.

It’s lonely on the top when there’s no one on the bottom.

It’s tough to stay married. My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

My wife’s jealousy is getting ridiculous. The other day she looked at my calendar and wanted to know who May was.

When I was a kid I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, “We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.”

With my wife I don’t get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to ‘the best woman a man ever had.’ The waiter joined me.

When I was kidnapped as a child my parents sent a letter to the hijackers me Pay 5,000 dollars or your back.