569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

If you can’t write your own material, you have very little chance of making it as a comedian.

She failed her drivers test. She couldn’t get used to the front seat. It took her four lessons to learn to sit up.

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog’s bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.

What a dog I got. Last night he went on the paper four times – three while I was reading it.

I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude, I didn’t see the mouse trap.

With me, nothing goes right. My psychiatrist said my wife and I should have sex every night. Now, we’ll never see each other!

I tell ya I got a stupid son. That’s one load that shoulda been shot on the wall.

When we got married, the first thing my wife did was put everything under both names – hers and her mother’s.