569 Quotes by Rodney Dangerfield

My childhood was bad. No father. Mother was greedy and brought me up awful – never made me breakfast once. I don’t want to get started. One story is worse than another.

My cousin's gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

At twenty a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

I tell ya, my wife was never nice to me. On our first date, I asked her if I could give her a goodnight kiss on the cheek, she bent over!

My uncle's dying wish he wanted me on his lap. He was in the electric chair.

My wife and I were happy for 20 years – then we met.

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too