564 Quotes by Scott Adams

Remind people that profit is the difference between revenue and expense. This makes you look smart.

Dilbert: It took weeks but I've calculated a new theory about the origin of the universe. According to my calculations it didn't start with a "Big Bang" at all-it was more of "Phhbwt" sound. You may be wondering about the practical applications of the "Little Phhbwt" theory. Dogbert: I was wondering when you'll go away.

The day you realize that your efforts and rewards are not related, it really frees up your calendar,

When times are bad, the gloves come off and employers are less nice. People become disposable.

There's no such thing as good ideas and bad ideas. There are only your own ideas and other people's. If you want someone to like your idea, tell him he said it first last week and you just remembered it.

In Japan, employees occasionally work themselves to death. It’s called Karoshi. I don’t want that to happen to anybody in my department. The trick is to take a break as soon as you see a bright light and hear dead relatives beckon.

Free will is an illusion. People always choose the perceived path of greatest pleasure.

For the record, I am not a nut. I am an optimist. That's exactly like a nut except with a better attitude.

It's hard to argue with the government. Remember, they are they run the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco and Firearms, so they must know a thing or two about satisfying women.