564 Quotes by Scott Adams

If you haven't already told your kids 'don't fellate the president' then you're probably a bad parent.

This year, we are looking for a warm day in the 30s.

A matador is a guy who didn't have enough people skills to be promoted to serial killer.

He was tenser than Jesse Jackson on Father's Day.

In case the rest of you missed it, the inspirational speech was: 'If you work hard, you can achieve great things. And then you die'.

When you find a big kettle of crazy, it's best not to stir it.

Why aren't you signed up for the 401K? I'd never be able to run that far.

Lately, the only thing keeping me from being a serial killer is my distaste for manual labor.

You can hose it down and never have to worry about it.