564 Quotes by Scott Adams

Never use naughtiness in mixed company, unless your witticism is so funny that your audience will shoot tears of happiness out of their eyes with a velocity sufficient to powerwash a small bus. Any joke that falls short of that standard will make you lose respect in the eyes of everyone except your best friends, who, as you know, lost respect for you long ago.

Everybody is somebody's else's weirdo

Reality is always controlled by the people who are the most insane.

Free will is an illusion. Humans are nothing but moist robots.

Your shower is ready - I turned it on last night.

I don't think I ever really go more than 30 minutes before I've got two or three things in my mind and I'm trying to decide which of them to use,

Hard work is rewarding. Taking credit for other people's hard work is rewarding and faster.

The best you can hope for in a relationship is to find someone whose flaws are the sort you don’t mind. It is futile to look for someone who has no flaws, or someone who is capable of significant change; that sort of person exists only in our imaginations.

In less enlightened times, the best way to impress women was to own a hot car. But women wised up and realized it was better to buy their own hot cars so they wouldn't have to ride around with jerks.