105 Quotes by Stephan Pastis

Having a syndicated comic strip is a great platform for ripping on expressions you hate.

When in doubt, give a character big, blown-up eyes and puffy lips.

I like to make fun of Jeffy [of Family Circus] the most, because I know the grown-up Jeff Keane personally and enjoy ridiculing him.

I recently forced myself to read a book on quantum physics, just to try and learn something new. I was confused by the middle of the first sentence and it all went downhill from there. The only thing I can remember learning is that a parallel universe can theoretically be contained on the head of a needle. I don't really know what that means, but I am now more careful handling needles.

If a restaurant offers crayons, I always take them and color throughout the meal. It beats talking to the people I came to dinner with.

On the list of things I cannot draw, wedding dresses are right there next to cars.

I'm very harsh on real estate agents. I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because of how the call every small house 'charming' and every run-down house a 'great fixer-upper'. Just once, I'd like them to show me a house and declare, 'This one's a piece of crap'.

Eternal condemnation is the key to selling doorknobs.

Perhaps it is a secret yearning of all Hallmark employees to use the phrase 'you big fat pain in the butt' in an anniversary card.