767 Quotes by Stephen Colbert

TV's Tony Snow becomes the White House press secretary. How will he make the difficult transition from Fox News reporter to Republican apologist? ... Mr. President, it is time to hire the folks who've never let you down. Limbaugh at Health and Human Services. Hannity at State. Then give Rummy the Medal of Freedom and install Bill O'Reilly as secretary of defense. Only problem, you might find yourself invading Vermont. And I'll replace Chertoff at Homeland Security. The man's done nothing to control the bear population.

In order to maintain an untenable position, you have to be actively ignorant, ... One motto on the show is, 'Keep your facts, I'm going with the truth.'

Republicans and nerds have so much in common -- they both live in fantasy worlds and have no idea how to relate to women.

If I had a dime for everytime that I was wrong, I'd be broke.

Odyssey Dawn? That's not a military operation. That's a Carnival Cruise ship.

To sit here at the same table with my hero, George W. Bush...I feel like I'm dreaming. Somebody pinch me. You now what, I'm a pretty sound sleeper, that may not be enough...Somebody shoot me in the face.

Destroying a religious symbol and building a religious center are really the same thing if you don't think about it.

In order to be a top-tier candidate, I need 7.5 million dollars, and I currently have 0.0 million dollars.

I can't prove it, but I can say it.