767 Quotes by Stephen Colbert

Sure, integrating schools may sound benign. But whats the use of living in a gated community if my kids go to school and get poor all over them?

Young girls are obsessed with having a thigh gap. I blame the impossible body standards set by Spongebob.

It used to be, everyone was entitled to their own opinion, but not their own facts. But that's not the case anymore. Facts matter not at all. Perception is everything.

Christianity is the best way to cure gayness—just get on your knees, take a swig of wine, and accept the body of a man into your mouth.

If Obama can force you to get health insurance just by calling it a tax, than there is nothing to stop him from making you gay marry an illegal immigrant wearing a condom on a hydroponic pot farm powered by solar energy.

The greatest thing about this man is he's steady. You know where he stands. He believes the same thing Wednesday that he believed on Monday, no matter what happened Tuesday. Events can change; this man's beliefs never will.

I believe gender is a spectrum, and I fall somewhere between Channing Tatum and Winnie the Pooh.

This is America. I don't want a tomato picked by a Mexican. I want it picked by an American, then sliced by a Guatemalan and served by a Venezuelan in a spa where a Chilean gives me a Brazilian.

I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.