767 Quotes by Stephen Colbert

Any religion whose messiah’s name isn’t recognized by Microsoft Word can’t be that much of a threat.

Of the over 100,000 wildfires that happen in the U.S. each year, not a single one would get started without the fire triangle: Oxygen, heat and fuel. Fire needs all three to exist. It's like the three branches of our government: Legislative, judicial and executive. The fewer there are, the safer we are.

One day,I might be able to tell my grandkids I interviewed the last president of the United States.

I'm proud of my ability to understand what somebody else is trying to do and help them achieve it, because part of the aesthetic of improvisation is service. We don't lead, we only follow. You never say no. Serve the servant, follow the follower. And that's very valuable in your life, as well as very valuable in your work.

I've been accused of being unambitious, but what I do takes up every minute. I'm executive producer, I'm a writer and the host.

I have a generally liberal audience, but they will applaud when I nail a liberal lion.

Who's Britannica to tell me that the Panama Canal was built in 1914? If I want to say that it was built in 1941, that's my right as an American.

To quote from another gospel, DUNE by Frank Herbert, 'Fear is the mind-killer.' ... Jesus was the original Muad'dib.

In the beginning, God created the heaven and the earth.” Sorry, Darwin-huggers, but it’s not “In the beginning, a monkey evolutioned gay marriage.