767 Quotes by Stephen Colbert

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around in a quitter.

Luckily, a recent survey published in the American Sociological Review revealed that atheists are the least trusted group in America—less trusted, even, than homosexuals. It makes sense at least we trust the homosexuals with our hair.

Thankfully dreams can change. If we'd all stuck with our first dream, the world would be overrun with cowboys and princesses. So whatever your dream is right now, if you don't achieve it, you haven't failed and you're not some loser-but just as importantly-if you do get your dream, you're not a winner.

When my car runs out of gas, I buy a new one. I don't want to ride around with a quitter.

Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.

I used to play a narcissistic conservative pundit. Now I'm just a narcissist.

The way to a man's heart is through his stomach...just make sure you thrust upward through his ribcage.

I'm a simple man with a simple mind. I hold a simple set of beliefs that I live by. Number one, I believe in America. I believe it exists. My gut tells me I live there. I feel that it extends from the Atlantic to the Pacific, and I strongly believe it has 50 states.

Take the platypus - that is not a finished product. It is clearly still in beta.