767 Quotes by Stephen Colbert

That's my parenting style - 'Go watch the TV.' I'm one of 11 children, and my mother's parenting style was, 'There's the TV. Go watch it. Mommy's got 10 other people to take care of.'

I could sit toe to toe at a potato table with anybody.

Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across the country join together to raise America's obesity statistics. Personally, I love Thanksgiving traditions: watching football, making pumpkin pie, and saying the magic phrase that sends your aunt storming out of the dining room to sit in her car.

Liberals want to burn the flag, but progressives just want to microwave it?

You know what I hate about people who criticize you? They - they criticize what you say but they never give you credit for how loud you say it.

There's a degree of narcissism involved in anything in show business. I mean, you can't do it without a healthy ego. Why would you want anybody to listen to you?

If Jesus doesn't have a sense of humor, I am in huge trouble.

...why were you happier when you were a kid? Because you didn't know anything. The more you know, the sadder you get.

As a rule, Germans shouldn't do comedy. Their last box office comedy was Nosferatu.