767 Quotes by Stephen Colbert

If it's called the USA Today, why is all the news from yesterday?

When I got to 'The Daily Show,' they asked me to have a political opinion. It turned out that I had one, but I didn't realize quite how liberal I was until I was asked to make passionate comedic choices as opposed to necessarily successful comedic choices.

Oops! I always thought PETA stood for Please Eat This Animal.

Senator John Kyle claiming that over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Stephen Colbert: Over 90 percent, that is unbelievable...in that it is not true. Only 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does is abortion. Kyle just rounded it up to the nearest 90.

I can really find something interesting about almost anyone I talk to.

I just think Rosa Parks was overrated. Last time I checked, she got famous for breaking the law.

Arby's: If I was about to be killed, I would eat it.

There's nothing more I love than McDonald's dollar menu. With just the change I find between my couch cushions, I can eat something with the nutritional value of a couch cushion.

Oh sure, its fine when a monkey does it. But when I throw barrels at an Italian plumber, they call it a hate crime!