767 Quotes by Stephen Colbert

I'm fascinated that people drawn to cults want to know what to do. And people want to know what to think. And people want to know how to feel. Not just what to feel but how to feel.

I wrote things for the school's newspaper, and - like all teenagers - I dabbled in poetry.

Pain is the body's way of telling the brain it's in trouble. Similarly, confusion is the brain's way of telling the body, 'All right, buddy, drop that book.

It's a game. That's why we call it 'the news.' It's just a game.

The shamrock is a religious symbol. St. Patrick said the leaves represented the trinity: the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. That's why four leaf clovers are so lucky, you get a bonus Jesus.

For me, improvisation is about working with a partner. That is much easier to do in the interview, because you have a sounding board.

Can you really put a price on annoying two religions at once?

I'm not here to affect you politically or socially. I'm here to make you laugh. I use the news as the palette for my jokes.

If you're doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government's been hiding.