767 Quotes by Stephen Colbert

So, a word to all you Femin-Idi-Amins: Stop “liberating” moms by trying tomake them join the workforce. They’re already doing the job that God putthem here to do: Everything.

Agnostics are just atheists without balls.

They said you can't go to the moon. They said you can't put cheese inside a pizza crust, but NASA did it. They had to, because the cheese kept floating off in space.

I may be just an empty flesh terminal reliant on technology for all my ideas, memories and relationships, but I am confident that all of that everything that makes me a unique human being is still out there somewhere, safe in a theoretical storage space owned by giant, multinational corporations.

The next sentence is false.The previous sentence is true. I'll wait while your heads explode.

NASA scientists have discovered a new form of life, unfortunately, it won't date them either.

Maybe he’ll be different from who he was and always is.

It is a well known fact that reality has liberal bias.

Librarians hoard the wisdom of humanity. They are the keepers of all knowledge, the guardians at the temples of understanding and devoted protectors of the sanctuary in the midst of uneducated anarchy.