846 Quotes by Steven Wright

I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?

Everyone has a photographic Memory, some just don't have film.

I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.

When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.