846 Quotes by Steven Wright

I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.

If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I'm writing a book. I've got the page numbers done.

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines.

It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.

A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.

I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.