846 Quotes by Steven Wright

I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.

I have an inferiority complex, but it’s not a very good one.

If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?

If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.

I named my dog Stay, so I can say, 'Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!

If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?