846 Quotes by Steven Wright

To me, comedy is just twisting reality. It’s commenting or observing or twisting life.

You know those things that you throw the twigs into and it spits them out? That’s what I do. The branches are like life, and I throw them into my head and some of it comes out as humor.

I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was ’woman.

I haven’t changed at all. I’m the same as when I was 11.

I like George Carlin’s jokes. I like his humor. He’s one of my heroes, and I like what he did with talking about everyday things.

To the audience, it’s like I’m changing the subject every five seconds, but to me, my show’s almost like a 90-minute song that I know exactly. I wrote every note, and I know exactly where everything is.

I didn’t tell any of my friends that I wanted to be a comedian, because I was superstitious. I thought if I told people, it wouldn’t happen. So I kept it all in my head for years and years.

Nobody can really compare a relationship in which the victim is 15 years old to one where she’s 6. While both criminal, they’re very different circumstances.

Real life? Well, I just hope mine isn’t investigated. They might find that I don’t really exist – that I’m just a hologram.