846 Quotes by Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, Steven, time to go to sleep. I said, 'But I don't know how. She said, 'It's real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left. So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said i thought I told you to go to sleep.

You know when you put a stick in water and it looks bent? That's why I never take baths.

I was at this restaurant. The sign said 'Breakfast Anytime. So I ordered French Toast in the Renaissance.

My doctor told me I shouldn't work out until I'm in better shape. I told him, All right; don't send me a bill until I pay you.

A friend of mine has a trophy wife, but apparently, it wasn't first place.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do all the rest have to drown too?

Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach. I’ll go over to them and say, ‘What are you doing here, you’ve never worked a day in your life!’

In school they told me Practice makes perfect. And then they told me Nobody's perfect, so then I stopped practicing.