64 Quotes by Stewart Lee

I am a professional humorist, and objectively the third most critically acclaimed British stand-up comedian of the twenty-first century. If I write a stupid thing, on some level I invite you to assume it was deliberate, and that I have, to some extent, created a secondary "columnist" persona, in which I take on the role of the sort of person who would write the absurd things that I am writing, such as this sentence for example.

In short, if Cameron said “bunch of migrants” by accident, he is a dick, but if he said it on purpose, in order to draw the eye, dead-cat-style, away from the Google atrocity, which he did, then he is a bastard, which is worse.

It is understood that, for next year's remembrance ceremony, the prime minister's tear ducts are to be surgically altered so that he can cry French benedictine on demand, lick it off his own face, and then transubstantiate it in his bladder, to wee out the holy tears of the fallen.

If political correctness has achieved one thing, it’s that it has made the Conservative party cloak their inherent racism behind more creative language.

I’m really glad I’m not on Twitter. Because I’d have to be answering things that I didn’t really know anything about, and I’d rather just wait for the dust to settle and then say something.

I’m just confusing the thrill of being young with the notion that the era in which I was young was in any way especially creative or remarkable.

I knew about things like Iggy Pop and The Velvet Underground, weirdly, before I knew about David Bowie. I didn’t know what David Bowie was, when I was a kid. I thought he was like Visage.

Generally, a lot of the things people think are made up are real, a lot of the things people think are real are made up, a lot of the things people think are spontaneous are cleverly faked, and a lot of the things people think are fake are spontaneous.

My grandad always said, “You should never judge a book by its cover.” And it’s for that reason that he lost his job as chair of the British Book Cover Awards panel.