428 Quotes by T.J. Klune

I don’t have time for all the relations and courting and wooing bullshit,” I said. “I’m a wizard. I have quests.”“Uh, you’re an apprentice,” Gary said. “And you’re sent on errands.

Look. This has been… fun.” Lie. This had been nerve-racking and I needed to go masturbate. “But I have to go. I’ve got stuff to do before I head out again.” Masturbate. “Wizard stuff. Like… secret wizard stuff.” Masturbate.

The color of your dress really brings out the extraordinary paleness of your skin tone. Are you unwell? Dying, perhaps?

The unicorn stared at him. Then, “Gary.” “Your name is Gary,” Sam said. “Yes.” “Ah. That’s… not very unicorn-like.” Gary scowled. “And what is unicorn-like?” Sam shrugged. “I don’t know. Like Princess Moon Cloud or Ethereal Tear or Star Shine.

Honey bear,” the unicorn said. “You are the gayest thing I’ve seen since I last saw my own reflection.

I’m about to hug the crap out of you,” I warned him. “Like, full-on feelings hug where it goes on for a bit too long and becomes slightly awkward and we both clear our throats and shuffle our feet when it’s over.

I’m sorry. Were you just speaking to me? I apologize most profusely. I was distracted by the size of the sweat stains under your arms. Are you overly warm today? It seems unlikely given the cold, dead heart that surely beats in your chest.

Anyway,” I said loudly. “Are we good? Did the Priest give us enough hoodoo so we can get the fu—fudge out? Sorry, Father.”“It’s okay,” the priest assured me. “I’m pretty sure your soul is already doomed.

I glanced back at my merry little band of travelers. A hornless gay unicorn. A half-giant. A knight who was a jerk but that I wanted to have for breakfast.