3,122 Quotes by Terry Pratchett

Were you proposing to shoot these people in cold blood, sergeant?""Nossir. Just a warning shot inna head, sir.

And that's what I don't like about magic, Captain. 'cos it's *magic*. You can't ask questions, it's magic. It doesn't explain anything, it's magic. You don't know where it comes from, it's magic! That's what I don't like about magic, it does everything by magic!

No enemies had ever taken Ankh-Morpork. Well technically they had, quite often; the city welcomed free-spending barbarian invaders, but somehow the puzzled raiders found, after a few days, that they didn't own their horses any more, and within a couple of months they were just another minority group with its own graffiti and food shops.

How can you protect yourself by carrying a sword if you don’t know how to use it?’Not me, sir. Other people. They see the sword and don’t attack me,’ said Maladict patiently.Yes, but if they did, lad, you wouldn’t be any good with it,’ said the sergeant.No, sir. I’d probably settle for just ripping their heads off, sir. That’s what I mean by protection, sir. Theirs, not mine. And I’d get hell from the League if I did that, sir.

Granny was an old-fashioned witch. She didn’t do good for people, she did right by them.

No, we do it for the money.'And, because we above all must know the value of a human life, we do it for a great deal of money. 'There can be few cleaner motives, so shorn of all pretence.'Nil mortifi, sine lucre. Remember. No killing without payment.'He paused for a moment.'And always give a receipt,' he added.

You see, I believe in freedom, Mr Lipwig. Not many people do, although they will of course protest otherwise.

Of course fantasy is escapist. Most stories are. So what? Teachers are not meant to be jailers.

He had about the same life expectancy as a three legged hedgehog on a six lane motorway.