3,122 Quotes by Terry Pratchett

Woss the matter with you?” asked Big Ted, irritably. “Go on. Press ‘D.’ Elvis Presley died in 1976.”I DON’T CARE WHAT IT SAYS, said the tall biker in the helmet, I NEVER LAID A FINGER ON HIM.

Look, this is just the cemetery. It's got bylaws and things! It's not Transylvania! There's just dead people here! That doesn't make it scary, does it? Dead people are people who were living once! You wouldn't be so worked up if there were living people buried here, would you?

When they're laughing at you, their guard is down. When their guard is down, you can kick them in the fracas.

Perhaps that's why men did it. You didn't do it to save duchesses, or countries. You killed the enemy to stop him killing your mates, that they in turn might save you ...

Yes, a good swipe at head height would kill . . . some mother's son, some sister's brother, some lad who'd followed the drum for a shilling and his first new suit. If only he'd been trained, if only she'd had a few weeks stabbing straw men until she could believe that all men were made of straw.

If you put butter and salt on it, it tastes like salty butter.

A man can learn all of an opponent's weaknesses on that board,' said Gilt.'Really?' said Vetinari, raising his eyebrows. 'Should not he be trying to learn his own?

As her tutors had said, there were two signs of a good alchemist: the Athletic and the Intellectual. A good alchemist of the first sort was someone who could leap over the bench and be on the far side of a safely thick wall in three seconds, and a good alchemist of the second sort was someone who knew exactly when to do this.

You were safe on a troll. Anyone wanting to mug a troll would have to use a building on a stick.