109 Quotes by Tim Dorsey

When those buses arrive, the last thing I need is some geriatric rumble.” The.

The number one directive of any decent Master Plan is unlimited sub–Master Plans.

These are different animals now. They’re starting to winnow out the weak at the fringe of the herd. We need to hurry or this could affect our snack situation.

The whole key to social climbing is not having spinach in your teeth.

You see, life’s all about possibilities. Opportunities are everywhere, except most people are locked into rigid routines and mortgages and clipping coupons and aren’t even looking. But I see possibilities in everything: tangible objects, memories, thin air. It’s at once a blessing and a curse.

The way I figured, I was just a kid, and if I could take it apart, they surely could put it back together. Then my mom would walk in the kitchen and see me standing on a chair at the counter, holding a screwdriver with disassembled components all over the place. ‘What the heck’s going on?’ ‘I’m intrigued how the blender works.

The most exciting holidays are the ones where not everybody is going to make it.

That’s life in general: Can’t let jerks dictate your emotions.

And they ask what’s a convenient time to call back, so I say, ‘I don’t know. The police are still looking for him. Somehow he got the home address of a telemarketer and they found a bloody clawhammer. Where do you live?