109 Quotes by Tim Dorsey

...And another item from the growing file of people who voluntarily wear dunce caps... You'll be talking cordially to someone and make an offhand reference, 'I recently read where--' and they'll cut you off and say, 'Oh, I don't read'... This is a tragedy on so many different levels. First, because they don't read, they don't know enough to keep it to themselves. Next, and this is the most amazing part, they use a demeaning tone like I'm the stupid one for wasting time with books.

Do you think heaven's like that?Could be worse, said Serge. You know all those pushy people who keep telling us we're not going to heaven? It could be full of them instead.

An ax came through the door. Then two firefighters. They looked down at and assistant mall manager crying and wearing a melted toupee, sitting cross-legged next to a mall cop with a bleeding ankle and a mouth full of paper. One of the firefighters look at the other. "Not again.

...they grab you off the street without warning, sack over your head and into the back of a van. Variation on tough love, but incredible success rate...

A prosthetic leg with a Willie Nelson bumper sticker washed ashore on the beach, which meant it was Florida.Then it got weird.

Yes Serge has killed a lot of people , but let's not overlook all of his other accomplishments.

Yes, give us books about the psychotic behavior and peripheral weirdness we see all around every day -- and we will laugh in its face. We are a proud people.We are Floridians.

A strip club is one of the few places where two groups voluntarily come together who have such precipitous contrasts in net worth and familiarity with violence, each group with a head-and-shoulders edge in one category. The basic math of a tropical storm.

Hey, Serge, I just realized that 'slow up' and 'slow down' mean the same thing. That's fucked.