109 Quotes by Tim Dorsey

Anger is sweeping the country! Tea bags from sea to shining sea! Voters everywhere exploding from frustration!” “Why?” “Because the facts don’t support their beliefs.

Be careful,” Serge admonished. “It’s dumb out there.

You pledged to cut waste. We now have a Protect-Our-Children Czar, Protect-the-Flag Czar, Fight-for-Prayer Czar, Devil-Music Czar and, as of today, something called a Family-Values Czar. What’s going on here?” “Efficient government is what’s going on!” said Conrad. Staff members along the walls applauded and cheered. “I thought Republicans were against government growth.” “This is completely different,” said Marlon. “How’s that?” “We use the word czar.

The brain wasn’t engineered to deal with that rarefied level of dumbness.

Do not disturb!’ ‘No molestar!’ – ever get the idea some things aren’t translating right?

Something else that separates me from society: Super-Positive Perspective! Where normal people would whine about subpar accommodations, I choose to view it as upscale camping.

Our political process appears to be a toxic dance of mutually assured destruction that takes all the citizens down with you, and that can’t be right. So I’ve prepared a little experiment.

Speaking of names, a word to parents: Stop using alternate spellings for your kids. Aimee, Eryn, Bil, Derik. You’re only costing jobs. The whole customized-coffee-mug and key-chain industry. An entire generation is being robbed of their roadside-Florida-souvenir heritage. “Daddy, why don’t they ever have my name? I see something close, but it’s spelled different.” “Sorry, honey, we decided to be pricks.

But instead they tell you they’ll come to fix your cable between noon and five, and I say, okay, I’ll pay my next bill between July and November, but they don’t laugh.