183 Quotes by Tom Lehrer

On my income tax 1040 it says ‘Check this box if you are blind.’ I wanted to put a check mark about three inches away.

In my youth there were words you couldn’t say in front of a girl; now you can’t say ‘girl.’

I didn’t feel the need for anonymous affection, for people in the dark applauding. To me, it would be like writing a novel and then getting up every night and reading your novel. Everything I did is on the record and, if you want to hear it, just listen to the record.

Be careful not to do your good deeds when there’s no one watching you.

Counting in octal is just likst counting in decimal – if you don’t use your thumbs.

Oh we will all fry together when we fry. We’ll be french fried potatoes by and by. There will be no more misery When the world is our rotisserie, Yes, we will all fry together when we fry.

There’s ten stuffed heads in my trophy room right now, two game wardens, seven hunters, and a cow.

Well I wasn’t really attacking the religious beliefs, I was attacking the formality of the rituals of the Catholic church; however, people took it wrongly.

On Christmas day you can’t get sore, your fellow man you must adore. There’s time to cheat him all the more the other three hundred and sixty-four.