111 Quotes by Tommy Cooper

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says “Your eyes sparkle like diamonds”. I said “Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck”.

I cleaned the attic with the wife the other day. Now I can’t get the cobwebs out of her hair.

So I was in Tesco’s and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said “Are you two an item?”

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, “Doctor, doctor, I can’t feel my legs!” The doctor replied, “I know you can’t, I had to amputate your arms”

You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought “That’s a turtle disaster”.

A jump lead walks into a bar. The barman says “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.”

So I rang up a local building firm, I said ‘I want a skip outside my house.’ He said ‘I’m not stopping you.’

I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, ‘Look, this chicken I got here is cold.’ He said, ‘It should be, it’s been dead two weeks.’