111 Quotes by Tommy Cooper

Two cannibals eating a clown. One asks the other, ‘Does this taste funny to you?’

Went to the corner shop – bought 4 corners.

Two fish in a tank, one says to the other – you drive I’ll man the guns.

I had a ploughman’s lunch the other day. He wasn’t very happy.

I went to the dentist. He said “Say Aaah.” I said “Why?” He said “My dog’s died.”

A woman tells her doctor, ‘I’ve got a bad back.’ The doctor says, ‘It’s old age.’ The woman says, ‘I want a second opinion.’ The doctor says: ‘Okay – you’re ugly as well.’

So I went to the Doctor’s yesterday. He said, “What appears to be the problem?” I said, “I keep having this dream, night after night, beautiful girls rushing towards me and I keep pushing them away.” He said, “How can I help?” I said: “Break my arms.”

I went to the doctors the other day and I said, ‘have you got anything for wind?’ So he gave me a kite.

A man goes to a fancy dress party dressed only in his Y-fronts. A woman comes up to him and says “What are you supposed to be?” The man says “A premature ejaculation.” “What?” says the woman. The man explains “I’ve just come in my pants.”