19 Quotes by Toni Jordan

You must know this. People disappear. They just go puff. Thin air. Every time you see someone, you never know if you’re seeing them for the last time. Drink them in, Alec. Kiss them. It’s very important. Never let anyone say goodbye, even for a little while, without kissing them. Press your lips against the people you love. Hands, they can touch anything. Open doors, hold cameras, hang clothes on the line. It’s lips that matter.

Hey,’ I yell, through the closed door. ‘Why is the water in your toilet bowl blue?’ ‘Because orange stripes are so last year,’ she yells back.

People who work out are so gullible. They think they’ll live longer. Well, good luck to them. It’s a shame most of them aren’t bright enough to realise that the extra time added to their life when they’re eighty and too old to do anything productive with it is roughly equal to all the time wasted in the gym when they’re young and capable of having fun.

And if I was Lisa Marie Presley and I’d told you I was going to marry Michael Jackson because I liked the shape of his nose, or rather, noses, and he’s just a sweet boy who loves children, I mean really loves children, and his dramatic change in appearance was undoubtedly a result of a genuine bona fide skin disease, would you have said anything?

Don’t tell anyone at the church this, but I think girls going out with girls is quite sensible. Imagine not having to do all the housework, and if you found a nice girl the same size you’d have double the wardrobe and you’d never have to shave your legs or clean whiskers out of the sink. I don’t know why everyone doesn’t do it. Not it’s fine, provided you stay that way. It’s the changing back to men that sends you mad.

4 is the worst time to wake up, as anyone with the normal human sensitivities will tell you. Far too late to make a cup of tea or go back to sleep. Far too early to get up and do something constructive. There’s nothing on television but arrogant evangelists and people selling acne solutions and motivational tapes. For me, base 12 philosophy aside, midnight is not the witching hour. 4:00 is.

Of all the sad rituals of this inconsequential life, dating must be the saddest of all.

I have always been a slow eater. I give each mouthful the attention it deserves. Chew each mouthful 30 times, they say, and you’ll never be sick. I’ve never been sick a day in my life.

I think ‘write what you know’ is the single worst piece of writing advice. Instead, write what you’re really interested in. Write what is going to keep you awake at night; write what you don’t understand; write to figure something out. Good novels are journeys into the unknown, for their authors as well as their readers.