65 Quotes by Victoria Wood

Everyone I meet is gay, married or crackers

You know daytime television? You know what it's supposed to be for? It's to keep unemployed people happy. It's supposed to stop them running to the social security demanding mad luxuries like cookers and windows.

In Russia, show the least athletic aptitude and they've got you dangling off the parallel bars with a leotard full of hormones.

I can remember when pants were pants. You wore them for twenty years, then you cut them down for pan scrubs. Or quilts.

I have been in a youth hostel...You are put in a kitchen with seventeen venture scouts with behavioural difficulties and made to wash swedes.

If God had meant men to have children, he would have given them a PVC apron.

If God had meant them to be lifted and separated, He would have put one on each shoulder.

I wouldn't kidnap a man for sex - I'm not saying I couldn't use someone to oil the mower.

My massage was marvellous. I feel really relaxed. And my masseur, Harold :You can't have a masseur called Harold. It's like having a member of the Royal Family called Ena.