330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

Scotch needs water like a fish needs a bicycle.

Dentists, lawyers, doctors are all a bunch of thieving bastards.

I don't have to attend every argument I'm invited to.

If you can't dazzle them with brilliance, baffle them with bull.

I don't believe in dining on an empty stomach.

Show me a great actor and I'll show you a lousy husband. Show me a great actress, and you've seen the devil.

You can fool some of the people some of the time -- and that's enough to make a decent living.

If pigs had wings, they would be pigeons.

My main ambition as a gardener is to water my orange trees with gin, then all I have to do is squeeze the juice into a glass.