330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

I never eat before breakfast.

The best thing to break is a contract.

Try till you succeed...if you don't succeed once, then destroy all evidence of the fact that you tried!

No one likes the fellow who is all rogue, but we'll forgive him almost anything if there is warmth of human sympathy underneath his rogueries. The immortal types of comedy are just such men.

All Englishmen talk as if they've got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

There are seven natural openings in the head and body. A lawyer is the only human being with eight. The extra one is a slot to store money in, should his bank be unable to hold all of it.

If I had my life to live over again, I'd live over a saloon.

To me, these biblical stories are just so many fish stories, and I'm not specifically referring to Jonah and the whale. I need indisputable proof of anything I'm asked to believe.

A man without a woman is like a neck without a pain.