330 Quotes by W. C. Fields

If I ever found a church that didn't believe in knocking all the other churches, I might consider joining it.

Buried my wife the other day. Had to, she died.

Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain unless you've used up all the other four-letter words.

I note the derogatory rumors concerning the use of alcoholic stimulants and lavish living. It is the penalty of greatness.

The Punkwat twins! Brentwood is the world's smallest giant, whilst his brother, Elwood, is the largest midget in the world. They baffle science!

If it does not work the first time, try, try again. Then quit. No need to be an idiot.

I didn't say the meat was tough. I said I didn't see the horse that is usually outside.

I like thieves. Some of my best friends are thieves. Why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

My heart is a bargain today. Will you take it?